Cinnamon Sugar Cookies and Being Faithful in the Small Things

by Amy

Audrey Villeneuve was everywhere. In the aroma of cinnamon and nutmeg for the Christmas cookies she must have baked, and the photos on the fridge, showing a grinning family camping, at a birthday party, at Disney World.Crayon drawings were framed. Drawings only a parent knew were works of art.This had been a happy home until a few days ago, when Audrey Villeneuve had left for work, and hadn't returned.

Oh. My.

I've said before that the written word "haunts" me. I quickly perused the list of meals this morning and tried to find something that would fit what I had in my pantry (which is still a work in progress since when you're starting from scratch it's easy to forget to buy the basics that you kind of take for granted). I saw Cinnamon and Nutmeg Cookies and I thought, Perfect!

It was perfect because, like Audrey, I'm caught in this whirlwind of trying to keep up with day-to-day tasks (such as cooking for a family, laundry, child pickup and drop off, homework, etc), while still in the midst of huge tasks (things you usually do a little at a time like tackling all the windows, dusting ages old dust off of furniture, cleaning gunk from behind a stove that has probably never been cleaned in years and years, all the paperwork involved in moving to another country and applying to a graduate degree... you get the picture).

At the end of the day, the whole process of moving has been a process of finding a "new normal", as my new friend has been telling me repeatedly.

One thing that isn't new is the fact that we all have "roles"  we play in any group or family dynamics. I'm a caretaker. I think I always have been.

As I was baking cookies (and, since I was in the kitchen and there never seems to be enough food for my husband and growing child, I ended up making other things, too), I was thinking.

I was thinking about how taking care of other people is a choice we make. A noble choice. Much of it is invisible. Most of it is taken for granted after awhile. That doesn't make it less important. Or less appreciated.

As I was doing all these things - the "invisible"  things - I was reminding myself of how important those "invisible"  tasks are. I was silently saying thanks for all the invisible things that are done for me by others in my life. I was praying I would not forget to be thankful.

I have talked of my desire to be kind. Or kinder.

I have another aspiration. It is to make a difference. Nothing grand. When I read George Elliot's Middlemarch, I found the perfect description of what I aspire to:

But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs. (MIDDLEMARCH - George Elliot)

I finished baking the cookies (and other things) and enjoyed them with a perfect mug of tea while doing another round of "invisible"  tasks. Once I was done, I sought the scene that related to the cookies I was to blog about. What could be more perfect than this one? It was an illustration of what
I'd been thinking about all morning.

Audrey Villeneuve was everywhere. 

And yet, it wasn't because of the big things. She was everywhere and she would be remembered most not for the monumental task she had set for herself (and managed to complete from beyond the grave). Her continued presence - and her loss - was felt most by those who were blessed by her little everyday kindnesses and dedication.

I think there is wisdom in the concept of being faithful in the little things. It's easy to cut corners. I do it every day. When I challenge myself to give my best in the little things, it builds character. I think. At least I hope so. It makes me aware of how it is possible to be better. To exceed my own expectations. And, slowly, what seemed challenging becomes the norm. As you gain experience in anything - even character - you also gain competence. And, with competence, comes confidence.

Competence is the ability to know how to handle situations effectively. It is not a vague feeling or hunch that "I can do this". Competence is acquired through actual experience. Children can't become competent without first developing a set of skills that allows them to trust their judgments, make responsible choices, and face difficult situations. (BUILDING RESILIENCE IN CHILDREN AND TEENS - Kenneth G Ginsbert)

It works for kids. It's the same for kids of any age. You start with little things and you gain experience and competence.

Being faithful in the little things is about becoming competent in effort. It means defining "your best" as the norm. It doesn't mean you're awesome at everything - or even anything. It does mean you'll improve at everything you do. Even if only you can tell the difference.

Yesterday my eight-year-old went to his first Martial Arts class. He loved it. He thinks he's on his way to become a superhero. I loved it, too. The teacher was incredible. He'd teach them a skill. They'd all do it together, then he'd walk from child to child and watch each one repeat the task and give them individual pointers. At one point he called them in and told them to take a knee. He then proceeded to say something like this:

You guys are doing a good job. I'm glad you keep training even when I'm not looking. That's what good training is all about. Keep going. And keep doing your best. Even when no one is looking. It doesn't matter if no one sees. What matters is that you know you're doing your best.

Gotta love a teacher like that, right?

And he's right. Not just for martial arts.

Neil Gaiman was once asked, by a self-entitled "horrible person" how to become a better person. His answer HERE is priceless. Fake it. Or, in other words, do what a better person would do. Maybe, when we "force" ourselves to to what we wish we naturally did, slowly we'll grow into that better person we'd like to be. Hopefully.

We will fail, I'm sure. Or at least I will fail.

That's what grace is for. That's why forgiveness and kindness to ourselves and our own shortcomings is such a balm.

Being faithful in the little things is good practice. It builds up competence and stamina for big things that may come. Audrey never would have realized something was wrong if she weren't competent at her job - in the little, "invisible", frequently repetitive work she did every day.

Audrey Villeneuve had almost certainly realized something was wrong, as she'd entered the reports. After years and years of working on repair files, she knew the difference between work genuinely done, or badly done. Or not done at all.

Finding the error was only the first step. She went the extra mile. The woman who cared enough to bake her family cookies was the same woman who cared enough to do something about what she'd found.

It was possible she'd even turned a blind eye, like so many of her colleagues. Until finally she couldn't anymore. Then what would Audrey Villeneuve have done? She was organized, disciplined. she'd have gathered proof before saying anything. And, in doing that, she'd have found things she shouldn't have. Worse things than willful neglect, than corruption, than desperately needed repairs not done. She'd have found suggestions of a plan to hurry the collapse. 

Audrey Villeneuve was faithful. She was true to herself against incredible odds. The same woman who sewed her own party dress (what an unbelievable accomplishment) was the woman who painstakingly, slowly, meticulously sewed together an airtight case.

"I can tell you that your wife died trying to stop something horrible from happening. I want you and your girls to know that."

Little things can become big things. Little habits can add up. Being faithful can become a habit. Being a loyal friend, a good caretaker, a homemaker, a parent, a employee, a creator, an artists... There are a series of little things that add up. Gamache is a good example of someone who is faithful in the small things, yes, but also on a larger scale. This scene ends with an act of loyalty against the odds. Beauvoir hasn't exactly been a good friend to him lately, but...

He paused before he spoke again. "Can you find Jean-Guy, Isabelle? Make sure he's all right today?"

Sugar cookies are among the easiest things in the world to make. They're hard to get wrong. It's also hard to just eat one of them. They aren't incredibly exotic. They aren't even all that memorable sometimes. And, like so many other little things, they can be taken for granted.

But life is made up of the little things. Right? Oh! Flashback moment! I just heard John Denver in my mind (my dad loved listening to him on road trips when I was a kid), "It's the little things that make a house a home..."

As I seek my new normal, I seek to also remain true to who I am while enjoying the adventure inherent in discovering these little things that will turn this new house into our home. The smell of spicy cookies did wonders in that regard.

I used a basic Sugar Cookie recipe. Since I tend to always change things a little bit, I made half a batch with sugar and cinnamon coating and the other half I coated with cocoa powder and sugar instead. And I added a pinch of pumpkin spice. I think. I'm not sure. I seem to add pumpkin spice mix to so many things that sometimes I confuse myself. They were perfect with tea. Perfect. The house also smells amazing now.

Also, it received universal accolades. That is a rare, rare, rare thing in my family. Although we are a small three person family, we have such different palates that it's hard to really please all three of us at the same time. These cookies, like so many universal little things, guaranteed a unanimous vote.

RECIPE FROM ALL RECIPES

Blend together 1 cup of brown sugar, 1/2 cup of white sugar (although I ended up using all brown sugar because I like it less sweet and chewier) and 1 cup of softened butter. Add two eggs and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract and mix until fluffy. Add to that 2 1/2 cups of flour, 3/4 teaspoons of baking soda, and 1/4 teaspoon of salt. Mix. Roll into approximately 1 inch balls, then roll the balls in the cinnamon (3 tablespoons of sugar + 1 tablespoon of cinnamon) or cocoa (1 tablespoon of cocoa + 2 tablespoons of sugar) mixture. Place balls on baking sheet and press down. Bake at 300 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes. Try not to eat them all while they're still hot.

Chocolate Cake & How the Light Gets In

by Amy

“I brought dessert.” Gabri pointed to a cardboard box on the counter. “Chocolate fudge cake.”

I love Gabri. Who wouldn't?

“Could you show me your studio?” Gamache asked Clara, hoping to get far enough away from the cake to overcome the temptation to put his finger in it. “I realize I’ve never seen your art.”

So far in the series, we hadn’t seen much of Clara’s art either. Not in this depth. And no, I wasn’t as controlled as Gamache. I’m writing while eating (yet another) slice of cake and some Earl Grey tea.  (Shhhh… don’t tell Libby. My tea came from a bag.)

Gamache stood in front of an image of three elderly women, arms entwined, cradling each other. It was an amazingly complex work, with layers of photographs and paintings and even some writing. Em, the woman in the middle, was leaning back precipitously, laughing with abandon, and the other two were supporting her and also laughing. It ached of intimacy, of a private moment caught in women’s lives. It captured their friendship and their dependence on each other. It sang of love and a caring that went beyond pleasant lunches and the remembrance of birthdays. Gamache felt as though he was looking into each of their souls, and the combination of the three was almost too much to bear.

This is the one painting – of all the art described in the books – that I would love to own. It wouldn’t even need to be the original. I’d be happy to own a copy. I’d probably settle for a shot taken with my phone, if I’m honest. I just wish I could see it. I wish I could have this image somewhere nearby.

“I call it The Three Graces,” said Clara.

“Perfect,” Gamache whispered.

“Mother is Faith, Em is Hope and Kaye is Charity. I was tired of seeing the Graces always depicted as beautiful young things. I think wisdom comes with age and life and pain. And knowing what matters.”

This is one of my favorite Clara-quotes. “I think wisdom comes with age and life and pain. And knowing what matters.” Isn’t that brilliant?

“Is it finished? It looks as though there’s space for another.”

That’s very perceptive of you. It is finished, but in each of my works I try to leave a little space, a kind of crack.” 

“Why?” 

“Can you make out the writing on the wall behind them?” She nodded toward her painting. 

Gamache leaned in and put on his reading glasses.‘Ring the bells that still can ring//Forget your perfect offering,//There’s a crack in everything,//That’s how the light gets in.’

And this is why this is the one piece of art I’d love to have. I’m pretty much illiterate when it comes to visual arts. Whatever it is that moves people and speaks to them in color and shape and design has limited impact on me. It’s not that I don’t see it, but I’ve come to realize that I’m probably visually challenged. It makes more sense once I know the history behind it, the goal of the artist, the stories of those who have felt its impact… I suppose that means I need words to go with the images before their full impact is felt. Clara made this painting for people like me. She added the words! She explained it. That’s how the light gets in.

He read it out loud. “Beautiful. Madame Zardo?” he asked.“ 

No, Leonard Cohen. All my works have vessels of some sort. Containers. Sometimes it’s in the negative space, sometimes it’s more obvious. In The Three Graces it’s more obvious.” 

It wasn’t obvious to Gamache. He stepped back from the work, then he saw what she meant. The vessel, like a vase, was formed by their bodies, and the space he’d noticed was the crack, to let the light in. 

“I do it for Peter,” she said quietly. At first Gamache thought he might have misheard, but she continued as though speaking to herself. “He’s like a dog, like Lucy. He’s very loyal. He puts everything he has into one thing. One interest, one hobby, one friend, one love. I’m his love and it scares the shit out of me.” She turned now to look in Gamache’s thoughtful brown eyes. “He’s poured all his love into me. I’m his vessel. But suppose I crack? Suppose I break? Suppose I die? What would he do?”

I think there are many people who feel like this. The weight of being someone’s everything or even of being their one-something can be crippling in a sense. Early parenthood is a temporary foray into that kind of relationship. Every parent knows the feeling. In other relationships, an emotionally stunted person (like Peter) lays all their hopes and dreams and trust on another. In some cases, there is a palpable physical or emotional impairment. Sometimes it has to do with a relationship dynamic where one person loses some of their autonomy and relies too heavily on another. Parents of children with disabilities come to mind. A mother of a non-verbal autistic child once said that the foremost thought on her mind on bad days is his dependency. Suppose I die? What would he do?

No one is irreplaceable. Or everyone is irreplaceable, depending on how you look at it. While we are all unique and no one can quite fill your shoes, in your absence things will shift and somehow life will go on without you – whether it’s for a few days or for life. The movie My Life Without Me comes to mind.

But suppose I crack? Suppose I break? Suppose I die?

I’ve thought it, too. More than once. I still do. I probably always will. I have better answers to the questions than I used to, though. Whenever I ask myself these questions, I know what to tell myself.

Life will go on. It’s too big a burden to carry. It’s an impossible task. You have to be allowed to have cracks. To break. To be the one who needs help and support and care.

When we are in a position where we seem irreplaceable and it feels like those around us would not survive without us, maybe it’s time to step back. Reassess. In parenthood it’s a transitory process. You know your job is to make sure your children grow into their autonomy and independence. Your job is to teach them how to walk on their own two feet. Hopefully you can do that and end up with grown children who still enjoy your company. But, ultimately, the goal is to know that you can crack or break or die – and they’ll be okay.

Apparently, in my family, four years of age is the magical moment in which the child realizes that a parent could possibly crack or break or die. My mom tells the story that, at four, I asked her to promise not to die until I was married (which was my definition of being a grown-up).  The same promise was demanded by my own son when he turned four. “Mommy, you won’t die before I’m a grown-up, will you?” How do you answer that? Who can make that kind of a promise? Then again, why would I leave him with the insecurity of possibly becoming a motherless child? I wound up inviting him to talk to God and asking Him to make sure to remember not to let me die before he was ready to be on his own. He was satisfied with that solution.

Our job, as parents, is to make sure we raise him so someday he can know, deep down, that he’ll be okay. His parents can (probably more frequently than he imagines) crack or break and even die. He may hurt and grieve and feel gaps and cracks in his own life if that happens, but he’ll be okay.

I feel for those who have people in their lives that may never become fully independent. Some parents raise children who will forever depend on someone to change them, feed them or care for them. Some caretakers deal with emotional or psychological needs that can be draining. Some have spouses or family members that depend on them for so much. Maybe too much sometimes. Some have few resources to delegate or share the responsibility. My heart goes out to those caretakers, too.  It’s still their job to ensure autonomy, to the extent that it is possible, as well as a network of help. Some help. Even if it’s minimal.

“So all your art is exploring that theme?” 

“Mostly it’s about imperfection and impermanence. There’s a crack in everything.”

And that’s part of Clara’s genius. It is because she is willing to see her own fragility and the cracks and imperfection in her own person that she is brilliant, radiant, and filled with the light that gets in through the crack.

While it can be intimidating and daunting to care for those who are (seemingly) less capable than we are, including the children, the sick, and those with emotional or physical impairments, it can be a brilliant opportunity for growth. Those who have read Becoming Human, by Jean Vanier (the inspiration behind the idea of the fictional book BEING) will recognize the thought that interaction with those who are weaker (apparently) than ourselves may help us learn to see and acknowledge our own vulnerability and our common humanity and worthiness, despite our brokenness.

We are worthy. Our worth is not diminished because of our cracks. That’s how the light gets in.

“That’s how the light gets in, said Gamache. He thought of CC who’d written so much about light and enlightenment and illumination, and thought it came from perfection. But she couldn’t hold a candle to this bright woman beside him. 

“Peter doesn’t get it. Probably never will.” 

“Have you ever painted Ruth?” 

“Why do you ask?” 

“Well, frankly, if anyone’s cracked…” He laughed and Clara joined him. 

“No, and you know why? I’m afraid to. I think she could be my masterpiece and I’m afraid to try.” 

“In case you can’t do it?” 

“Got it in one. There’s also something scary about Ruth. I’m not sure I want to look that deeply into her.” 

“You will,” he said, and she believed him.

Fear is a crack. It’s a weakness. It can paralyze us. It almost kept Clara from attempting what was her masterpiece. She was probably right to be afraid. Ruth is scary. I am totally intimidated by her. I can sympathize with Beauvoir. I love her, but... She grows on us. I’m hoping the next book will look a little bit deeper into her, too. She still scares me a little bit. I'm pretty sure I'd be completely tongue-tied if I had to meet her face to face (and there we go again, treating these characters as real people).

Louise Penny frequently writes that Gamache’s power as an investigator lies in his willingness to go into those hidden depths and locked chambers of people’s souls. She writes that he is only able to do so because he has faced his own. I think Clara is on a similar journey. She is a great artist because she looks deeply. Into the darkness. She forays into the cracks and finds the light.

“They’re marvelous, Clara. They radiate.” He turned to look at her in astonishment, as though meeting the woman for the first time. He’d known she was insightful, and courageous and compassionate. But he hadn’t appreciated that she was this gifted.

I have written before that I am jealous of Clara’s ability to paint souls. The scene I was posting about then was the one where she unveils her masterpiece: Ruth. Hope.

I love this scene. I love this conversation between Gamache and Clara. I love the concept of cracks being an opportunity for light to come in. I think it’s a beacon of hope.

‘Ring the bells that still can ring//Forget your perfect offering,//There’s a crack in everything,//That’s how the light gets in.’

Chocolate Cake

I didn’t make fudge cake. I followed a new recipe (for me, anyway). I wanted a moist simple cake that was heavy on the chocolate, not on the sugar. This one was perfect. My only tweak to the original recipe (I cannot seem to follow any recipe with precision) is that I only put in 2/3 cup of sugar instead of 1 full cup. Here’s the link to Nigella's Olive Oil Chocolate Cake. I made the version with regular flour and it was absolutely delicious!